I really didn’t want to have to do this — I really didn’t. But circumstances being what they are, I’m left with no alternative.

Last Friday night, a couple of friends and I were sitting around Taco Bell discussing all manner of whatever it is we discuss when one friend visciously maligned something near and dear to my heart (as well as my other friend’s heart). Without transcribing the conversation, let me summarize my position most clearly:

Alien v. Predator: Requiem was a masterpiece.

I’m not even kidding. Oh, sure, it lacked a plot plot development, character development, adequate lighting in most scenes, and lots more, but it totally had giant aliens and predators (and even a “predalien”) killing the mess out of each other and whatever stood in their way — and with style!

Everything seems to begin at precisely the point when AvP ended — with the predalien bursting through the corpse of his yautja host. Without going into any too much detail, suffice it to say that hilarity and hijinx ensue, resulting in the ship crashing on (where else?!) Earth. Just before impact, however, one of the predators manages to fire off some kind of “black box” message.

When “Wolf” (the nickname given to the predator) arrives on Earth, he dutifully buries his own little ship in a body of water, climbs out — and discovers that dihydrogen monoxide and his cloaking net do not play well together. Anyway, he scans the wreckage of the transport (which the rest of the planet must have thought was an insignificant blip on the radar, since no one showed up or seemed to know anything about the giant, flaming mass hurtling down from the heavens) and collects a few toys before he begins his hunt.

So what’s any of this have to do with my friend with poor choice in cinema? Not much! He opted not to come see it with us. Which means he’ll probably get the DVD for his birthday.