While researching hemorrhoids, I had the (mis)fortune to stumble upon analpaintrial.com. Yes, that’s anal pain trial. Dot com. Which immediately conjures up the image of a dank dungeon echoing glitchy industrial music, poorly lit with flickering torches and lined with a gauntlet of leather-clad monstrosities just waiting to…talk to you about Rectogesic.

All right, maybe I’m the only one cursed with such a…vivid, yes, vivid…imagination, but earlier in the year, I could have used some Rectogesic myself. (I swear, there’s something curious taking place in my nether regions.) Instead, I got Anucort, which isn’t a bad product in itself, though I’m reminded of a “funny” story…

Back in May, the doctor, who assessed my description of “pooping broken glass” as an anal fissure (after probing me with a cold, cold anuscope), prescribed Anucort.

You position Anucort — a rocket-shaped mass of hydrocortisone — “well up into the rectum.” While an unpleasant episode, it’s painless, and, over time, it actually did help clear up the fissure. I learned the hard way, though, that if you have any gas to pass, you’d better do it before you dose yourself. I didn’t, and I ruined a good pair of shorts and a chair.

I guess by “funny,” I mean “funny to everyone who’s not me.”